Welcoming a Second Child to the Mix
When you find out you are expecting a second child, there are so many emotions. Of course, you are so ecstatic! Another baby is such a gift. Parents often feel more confident the second time round, so anxiety levels are often lower around the basics of feeding, bathing, and diapering (but not absent!).
A lot of second-time parents also grieve for their first child, which can come as a surprise. But it is very normal to experience these mixed emotions. No reason to be ashamed or concerned! Your first child has been the center of your attention, and the focus of a lot of your love and energy. While it is exciting to be giving them a gift of a sibling, it is also going to rock their world. Parents find themselves feeling sorry and worried for their firstborn. Will they adjust okay to being a big sibling? Will they still feel loved and seen by me? What if this is really hard for them? These are all very normal concerns to have. But, be rest assured that your child will adjust, and having a younger sibling will be a positive experience and become the new normal in no time!
To make the process as easy as possible, here are some tips for helping your older child adjust:
Talk about babies
Depending on the age of your child, they may be very excited about the prospect of being a big sibling. Or, they may not really get it at all. Either way, I would suggest you talk about babies. A lot! When you see babies out and about, point them out and say “Look, there’s a baby! We are going to have a new baby at our house soon.”
Read books about being a big sibling. Take your child to the library to pick some out—there are many good options.
Talking about the baby in a way that conveys that the new sibling will have feelings and thoughts can help your firstborn think about the baby as being "real." For example you could say, "I wonder if the baby will think this book is as funny as you do," or "I think the baby must like it when we sing this song because they are kicking a lot right now!" Establishing that the baby will have feelings and thoughts can help your child develop future empathy towards the baby.
You can also get your child a baby doll. Just don’t be worried when they throw it or become quickly disinterested! That does not precdict their future relationship with the baby.
Involve your child in setting up a new space for the baby at home
Talk about where your new baby will sleep when they join your family, and involve your child in the process of setting up the changing table, or putting away clothes for the baby. If your child is currently in a crib, and the new baby will be using the crib when they arrive, I would recommend trying to transition your child from the crib at least two months before the baby arrives. Another option is to put the new baby in a bassinet or portable crib, and allow your child to transition to a different sleeping location after the new baby arrives. Rarely will you need to buy two cribs!
Maintain your older child’s routine as much as possible
Once the baby arrives, try to continue your child’s school or daycare schedule, if possible. Change is hard for little people, and having a new sibling is a huge change. So, trying to keep everything else the same is a wise idea.
Discuss your logistical plans for the care for your older child during the birth
It can be surprising to wake up and find your parents not home! So, let your child know that you won’t be home when the new baby is ready to join your family, but that they will be staying with a trusted family member or friend.
Let them know that you will come home in a few days, and that you will be able to talk to them (or visit, if that is an option) before you come home.
Have the new baby get a gift for the older sibling
People love to shower new babies with gifts, and sometimes the older sibling can feel very left out. It can be a great gesture for you to have the new baby give your child a gift. This can make them feel important during a time where a lot of attention is not focused on them.
Place the baby in a bassinet while the child first meets the baby
When your child sees the baby for the first time, it is helpful to not have the baby in your arms. Instead, have your arms free to hug and hold your first child. They can take a look at the new baby in a bassinet, car seat, etc.
Talk about how the new baby needs to wait for the older sibling
You will be busy attending to your newborn, and it will be hard for your older child to always have to wait for their turn (especially when they were used to be the only child for a while!). So, if you are helping your firstborn get dressed or have a meal, say out loud “Baby, you will have to wait right now. I'm helping your sibling get breakfast.” Of course your new baby has no idea what you are saying (and may not even need your attention at the time!), but your older child will feel like they are being prioritized and treated fairly.
Involve the new sibling as much as they would like
Some siblings are very enthusiastic about the new baby and want to be very involved. So, let them do what is reasonable and safe. They can fetch clean diapers or bottles, wash a pacifier, or pick out an outfit. Again, this will make them feel important and like they are still a vital part of the family (which of course they are, but that can be hard for them to realize!!). If they are not interested, honor their desires, and let them join in when they feel comfortable.
Schedule one-on-one time with your older child once the baby arrives
A lot of older siblings crave attention once a new baby arrives, and do not want to be forgotten by their parents. After all, you are the most important people in their world, and now they have to share you. So, try to have each parent schedule some individualized time with your firstborn after the baby arrives. This can be a trip to the park, a special ice cream run, or even just time alone to read a story or play with their favorite toys. It doesn’t have to be anything big and flashy. Just something where you can be totally present for them.
Give your child positive attention whenever possible
Research shows that parents tend to discipline older siblings more than younger siblings. Try to create a positive dynamic around your firstborn and your newborn. Your older child will likely act out a bit more in the first month, and in your more sleep-deprived state, it will be easier to get frustrated. By using positive discipline (as long as the child is safe), you can help your older child from resenting your newborn. Praise them for what they are doing right, rather than focusing on what they are doing wrong.
Allow your child to be babied for a few weeks
Some regression in your older child after your new baby arrives is very normal. You may hear them talk in a baby voice. Or want to be held more. They may even have some regression in potty training or sleep. It is okay to coddle them a bit more than you are used to as they adjust. And point out all the things that make being a big kid so cool (you get to eat pizza, you get to jump and play, you get to go to school, etc), and how one day, they will be able to teach their baby sibling how to do all these amazing things.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings about the transition
One of my friends told me her firstborn asked her to “put the baby back in her box” when she first met her new sibling. It can be hard to hear your firstborn talk negatively about their new baby sibling. However, research shows that having anger or resentment of a new sibling does not predict future issues with sibling relationships. So try to empathize with your child and validate their feelings. It is okay for them to be upset about their life being disrupted. Just know that this is temporary response and not a sign that their relationship is doomed!
Ride the waves
As a newly minted parent of multiple children, you will definitely have some ups and downs. Just recognize that this is normal. Having a second child is actually just as stressful as having your first. Just because you've done it before doesn't mean it is easy! So, be sure to take time for yourself and take advantage of any help offered to you. And, like most things in parenting, remember it is a phase that will pass.
Research shows us that adding a second child is largely a positive experience, so buckle in for the fantastic journey! You’ve got this!!
